My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
