Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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