Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
