Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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