Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
