Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
