im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
This couple is walking their pig around campus
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
