This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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