Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
