Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
