Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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