Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
