ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
