i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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