I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
