does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
