You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
