Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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