Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
