I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
