you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
