she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
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