He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
