i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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