You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
