Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
