someone get that fucking seahorse.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
