who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize
