my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
