i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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