you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I need water and some morals
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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