omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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