OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
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