He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
