I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
