I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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