but the lizard people decide everything anyway
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
