i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
