Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
