I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
