My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize
