I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
