When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
