I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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