____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
