I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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