Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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