She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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