While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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