She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
A bitchslap is in order.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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