I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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