Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
