I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
